Oh no! *inserts rolling eyes emoji*. Not another hate, shaming blog post about Haitian men, Black men, or men in general.
Well, you have dodged a bullet because you are absolutely right! It is another post about men. Although, I would not place it in the “shaming of men” category. This post is, more of, a thanks to my exes because I will never let another man:
1. Underestimate my worth.
Throughout social media I see individuals exclaiming “know your worth”. I, unfortunately, overlooked the overall meaning of this trending phrase. In my continuous search for “the” one, “the” only relationship, I realized that I try my hardest to prove my worth to men who are not paying attention. Regardless of the amount of effort put into the relationship, that exhibits my worth, I allowed my past partners to underestimate my worth.
I assumed I was only good enough for the specific individuals I was in a relationship with, thus, I should act accordingly to keep the individual in my life. Regardless of what the individual may have done to belittle me, I accepted it as it was. Essentially, I accepted what was best for us, rather than what was best for me.
2. Decide his compromise trumps my own
Compromise is essential in a successful relationship. The relationship is for two and can not be based on an individuals terms. I, now, recognize that I would give up the world in order to main a satisfying relationship or to maintain my partner’s satisfaction with the relationship. However, it was never reciprocated. If I were not satisfied with the relationship, I would receive a temporary solution that becomes a resurfacing issue. Even though I fully compromise, it was never the same in return.
3. Lack appreciation for me
A relationship is a partnership. In this partnership, there are expectations of value. Each individual is expected to treasure their partner. After all, the individual may be “the one”. Unfortunately, over time, men devalue women by putting appreciation at a halt. Leaving women to reflect on deep sadness and disconnect from the relationship.
4. Be a wife to a man who sees me as a girlfriend
I believe what sets me apart from every other woman is my innate characteristic of being a wife and mother. I am a caretaker, provider, lover (lovingly and aggressively), independent woman. I make sacrifices when I should not. Essentially, I will give my partner the world whereas most women will provide half. In courting, I find myself being more of a wife and less of a girlfriend. Unfortunately, the energy used to be a wife does not mean I will become a wife. Thus, I have wasted “wifely” energy on men who only saw me as a partner and not their life-long partner.
5. Fail to accept me for who I am
In the beginning of a relationship, most individuals are semi-genuine. They do not reveal too much of themselves because the goal is to make the other individual fall in love. Once the individual has fallen and embraces pure romantic love, the real you is revealed.
I am what the world may consider “a hard pill to swallow.” The men I maintained long-term relationships with were introduced to a more semi-genuine me before the reveal of a free-spirited Shirley. As I slowly introduce them to me, they pretend to be accepting boyfriends with the lingering thought, “maybe I do not accept her for who she is”. Regardless of how forward I was or how much I made sure that these men understood me, somewhere along the long-term relationship line, the acknowledgment turned into unawareness. From this point, there are the hard stares, the presence of confusing eyes, and a sudden lack of love.
6. Choose a friendship over our relationship
Despite anything, your friend will always be apart of your life, especially long-term friends. But, when you are in a relationship it should be you and your partner. Your partner did not decide to date your friend, they signed up for you. Keep your friendship and relationship a separate entity.
In difficult situations, I have allowed men to choose the foundation of their friendship over the foundation of our relationship. Unfortunately, guess who’s feelings are hurt in that time? Me! I start to feel less important. Hence, lead to jealousy. In hand, adding more stressors to the relationship. A jealous, insecure (by circumstance), girlfriend worried about her position because she was not chosen.
I’ll let that soak in.
Notice how your actions may influence you and your partner’s overall satisfaction in a relationship. Recognize the effects your decisions contribute to the stressors of your relationship.
Besides that, break-ups are trying moments in individuals lives. There are the periods of elation and depression which are similar to the exhibiting signs of mania. In my past break-ups, the emotions were all bitter hate, initially. But, every negative experience builds you for a more positive one. Now, you have truly taught me how I want to be loved by a man. I have decided to no longer settle for the ones that can not meet the unconditional love I believe I deserve. Now that I am aware of my mistakes as a partner, I will not let another man fail to recognize my worth, choose not to compromise, show my efforts appreciation, present myself as a wife rather than being a girlfriend, neglect to accept all of me, and choosing their friendship over the relationship.
A letter to my exes and the next.